What I Want.

I was talking to my uncle about the last "relationship" I was in. What happened, how it unfolded and why. I felt such anger talking about it because of how unfair it felt being in my position, while he just went off with another girl. Given, I've been angry about this situation for awhile now, but it wasn't until then when I was telling this friend everything that I finally broke completely apart. I told him how I felt like I wasn't good enough, I told him how I felt helpless, I told him how I felt I did not deserve to be in this position and I did not deserve to feel this way, while he went on to all that undeserved happiness for all he's done and for all the lies he's told. I didn't care whose feelings I hurt at that moment, I didn't care to spare any names, I didn't care to hide anything. I just hated everything. I just let it all out. I was a mess.

"So let me get this straight. You stuck around with a guy who lied to you for months, and he ended up being a cheat and a sham. You were seriously surprised?"

I kept quiet for awhile. I told him that it wasn't that I was surprised, but that I had expected more from him. That I believed in him. That I always wanted to believe in the better, even though I knew that wasn't how it was going to play out. I've been told, and I do acknowledge, that I am a very perceptive person, but too often a time I choose to be blind to my perceptions and give the situation the benefit of a doubt.

"Your situation sucks, obviously, it's never right for any boy to treat a girl that way, but it's your fault for  allowing it, or even wanting it to go on even though you knew what was going to happen. Don't say you didn't know, because I know you, and I am completely sure that you knew. What I don't understand is why you are capable of giving so many undeserved chances or even remotely believing any of it was your fault. You say he's stooping low for taking happiness he doesn't deserve, but who was the one who let him get used to it by giving him all sorts of things he never deserved in the first place?"

At this point, I wasn't quite sure what to say anymore. I think I rambled a bit about how he should have known better in the first place, or how he should have done better not to hurt me. I don't remember completely, but I do remember what came next.

"No boy of this calibre, would be noble enough to to be a martyr for your feelings. Did you seriously think he was going to sacrifice his own happiness, as undeserving as it is, for you? If he was that noble, none of this mess would have started in the first place. Even so, do you seriously want to be that stupid girl who's giving him another chance? Be thankful that you got out. Be happy she has the lesser man, and not you. Maybe they'll be happy, so what if they end up together? That just reflects on who they are as people. Don't forget, he lied to her too and she's the one who's going to go on with it anyway. Why do you want to be her?"

I was pretty much blank. I think I said something along the lines of.. he's actually a nice guy. He's really not that bad as a person. He made me happy, he made me laugh. I didn't have expectations shoved in my face when I was with him. My judgment wasn't that bad.

"Are you even going to start this with me? I don't give a fuck. All sorts of boys will come into your life who are passable for laughs and fucks, but do not even tell me you'd want to consider ending up with someone who is just that. No expectations? It's just your excuse for you to be lazy and not want to have or to be something more. That's how you land yourself in this kind of shit, by underachieving when you're a natural overachieving perfectionist. How is that even RIGHT? It's all self-sabotage so you get to be lazy and do less to make things work. Backfired, didn't it? Your aunt says what you're doing is dressing up a Coach to become a Gucci. It may look good at some angles, may even look close to a Gucci, but deep down.. what you want is a damned Gucci and we know there is no way in hell you'd be okay with Coach for the rest of your life. You wouldn't even be caught dead with Coach now! You're the only one stupid enough to buy into your own lies and think it's what you want. We all know your standards, and we are seriously sick of you dropping them for every guy you meet just because you're lonely. If you end up with some loser next time because you didn't listen to me and wake the hell up, I am not going to be here to listen to you whine anymore. Got it?"

..  Tough love FTMFW.

I'm still pretty blank.

I Used To Love You.

I thought about it today. Whether or not I actually cared. The sad part is, I do. It bothers me so much. I know I have better things to do than to think of you and what used to be, but for some reason it comes back. It makes me sad thinking about you. Perhaps it's because it's so hard for me to accept that we failed. That we actually did try, and we failed. I'm not used to failing and it hit me so hard because I actually cared so much. It hurt me.

I'm not entirely sure if it still hurts me now, or if I just think it does.
I'm really not sure.

Lucky.

In amidst of all this sadness, I've found the one thing that could very well pull me through. When I was a kid, I believed that I was going to write, act and sing. I believed that I was capable of it all if I was given the chance. After years of staying in the background and waiting to be discovered, I guess the dreams faded. I was afraid of rejection and having to know that I wasn't good. I put them aside and thought none of it. I went on with life with mediocre dreams and half-hearted ambition.

8 years later, in one of the lowest points of my life, I found that this dream has never died and slowly I'm beginning to see new opportunities open up to me. Finally, after years of just dreaming, I can actually do something about these passions. Still, I was afraid. I still refused and stayed in the background. I still told myself that I wasn't good enough. I guess it's true, perfectionism does mess you up a lot.

I've met someone who's in such a short period of time become a part of my life that I know for sure is indispensable. It's the sort of relationship you have that is so honest and so pure that it somehow makes you want to be a better person. I never knew that you could have a platonic relationship that was this fulfilling, but then again I've never exactly met anyone like you. Someone who cares as much as I do, and someone who isn't afraid of honesty. Being around you just makes me a happier person. Because of you, I want to sing again.

:)

Up and Gone.

I learned from a very young age that people are selfish. They hurt you, they leave you, they disappoint you. Your best interest is never priority. They'll always be looking out for themselves first and you, only if it's convenient to them. They use you on their way to gain happiness that they thoroughly do not deserve and abandon you once they get what they want. I got so used to being disappointed, that I started to believe that it was forgivable what people did to you, that it was just part and parcel of letting people into your life. That people will always hurt you, people will always leave, and that it was no injustice because you're supposed to be strong enough to move past it. You listen to them when they tell you, "You're going to be okay", not realising that only people who don't worry about you say that and that the people who truly care actually say, "I want to help make things okay".

There comes a day where you realise, that you have never let go of any of these hurts. That you never dealt with any of it and chose to ignore it until it just stop hurting. The bitterness and resentment towards all these things keep multiplying because as luck has it, you keep meeting the worst people you could meet at that point in your life. While you keep giving these people second chances, and you exhaust your heart from all this giving, in the back of your mind you've grown to be angry about so many things. Somehow you find that you never should have had to carry all that weight on your shoulders, and in that instant, you just drop it all and feel that pressure that was pounding in your heart release. It's a new feeling, this freedom, when you've finally gotten out of being locked inside your own prison of hurt.

It's terrifying and exciting all at the same time.

The Artist.

A few days of not having you as a part of my life did more change than I could have ever expected. I missed your company deeply, but I didn't long for you anymore. Ashamedly, I have to admit that watching you text without being sure if it was her or not bugged me a whole lot. It was a reminder that I'd lost you. Old, unresolved feelings came up and I just needed to get out of there. I couldn't stand it anymore. My thoughts were driving me mad and I just had to escape.

I smiled and went ahead with my plans, seemingly having a good time, but I kept thinking of how you would've been the only one who had known what I was thinking, and that I wasn't okay. You'd have been the only one to know, but you're not the one to make things better anymore. I told you things tonight about stuff that's been happening, about my problem, and I felt this pang in my chest because you were always the first to know, and you're not anymore. I still want to tell you, I still want to share my world with you.. but I just don't know how. I don't know how to coexist platonically now considering all that history between us.  It just didn't feel right.

You have no idea how much I miss you,
But I think I'm finally fine on my own.
This is how it's gotta be for a while.

Better Next Time.

It's hard to forget someone after you've been with them in that way. It was so difficult to take that first step and actually do it, and now that you know how this person works, you have to start all over again. It's that one big leap you have to take to want to know another person this way, and I'm so afraid to fall, so I cling on to the only thing I know. Right now, the only thing I know is you.

I want to take the first step, but I'm so afraid of not liking what I find.
Things will change, I know things will change.